yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
