Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
