i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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