Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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