happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
