she's into porn, im staying here tonight
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
