He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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