the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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