So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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