just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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