i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
