i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
