Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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