Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
