I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
