I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Randomize
