is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
