Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
