I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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