I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
