im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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