I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
