Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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