i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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