omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
