I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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