he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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