The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
