Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
