how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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