If i come over, it means nothing
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
