What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
