You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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