she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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