you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
