had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
