im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
