Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
