so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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