Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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