And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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