I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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