I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
