Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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