Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
