i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
