i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
