I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
