Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Holy sore nipples Batman
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
