she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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